175 – The Thing I Needed To Forgive Myself

175 Kristen Asleson - The Thing I Needed To Forgive Myself

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Cold Cut

Kristen: I was holding back the fear that she would hate me, that she would never accept my decision and that she would have grown up to be devastated by what I did. And then to have know that she had siblings out there and just say, you know, why did you give me a way

Intro

Damon: I'm Damon Davis. And today you're going to meet. And today you're going to hear from Kristen, whom I spoke with from her home in Minnesota. Kristen was a multi-sport athlete in high school, even competing while pregnant with her daughter. She tells the story of giving birth, placing her daughter, then needing years to get her life back on track.

In one incredible year. Kristen learned that her birth parents were looking for her. Her daughter wanted to find her and that reunion can bring closure and healing while revealing unbelievable coincidences. Kristen talks about some of the right decisions she made in her life.

Opening

around adoption

Kristen: my parents actually adopted me after their firstborn passed away. And in the early seventies, I don't think the lifesaving techniques that they have now were available then.

And so she was premature and she passed away just a few hours after birth. And my parents were kind of warned that, you know, if you attempt to have more children on your own biologically, that it's very possible that the outcome would be the same. And so they actually signed up to be foster parents.

And really hadn't thought about adoption, but one day they got this phone call about this five week old baby. Which happened to be me. And they were asked, you know, instead of fostering, have you ever thought about adoption? And so they maybe thought about it for two minutes and within a couple hours they were driving to get me.

But they had a little boy. So I do have one sister and one brother, that are biologically born to my parents. So I'm the oldest of three and I'm the only adopted one.

Damon: Very interesting. And how did you fit into the family after the two biologicals? Where were born? How did you get along with your siblings?

How did you get along with your parents.

Kristen: Actually I, nobody would have ever known that I was the adopted one. In fact, we used to laugh a little bit when people say, oh, you look like your mom or you look like your dad. And we would know absolutely a hundred percent not possible. I was blind as blind can be. And my dad is Italian.

I was more interested in nature and being outside. And at the age of 10, they got me my first horse and that led to chickens and cows and sheep. And you know, all these things. And we joined four H and my projects were always the animals, the outdoors, the gardening and that sort of thing. Whereas my sister was always the sewing and the drawing and the fine arts side of life.

For me. That's really

Damon: interesting. And it's, it's funny to hear those differences of you being sort of a cultivator nurturer and her being this artsy creator, right? Those are those going to be common differences, even in siblings who are naturally related to each other, but it is sort of underscored when you have adoption in the picture to see just how drastically different people can.

From one another, that's really, really interesting. Right.

Kristen: My parents owned an art gallery. They, my dad worked really hard, three jobs, and they had this dream of owning an art gallery and a frame shop. And so when I was 10, we moved out into the country, he built a house and they made the gallery part of the house.

Damon: You had energy and you were on the go. That's really cute.

Kristen attended school in a private Catholic high school system where she was pretty active. She was in the marching band and jazz band playing everything from French horn to percussion instruments and keyboards. However, many of Kristen's friends were athletes. She had been a competitive gymnast from four to 14 years old then she was a three sport athlete in high school competing in volleyball basketball

and track

Kristen: My grades were always good. I got along with absolutely everybody. I had the occasional skipping school moment as does everyone in high school. but it was just really, really, really typical high school years. It was halfway through my senior year that I did also Get pregnant with them.

My very first daughter as well.

So when I discovered it, I thought, okay, well, I'm going to finish out my basketball season and it's going to go into track season. And so I was, you know, as a price, pretty slight figure back in, in high school. And so when track was coming, I hit the weight room two hours a day. I practiced my running.

And so. It was the, actually the night of my 18th birthday when I could no longer hide this little tiny bump that was growing. And that I that's when I decided to tell my parents and it was met with a lot of frustration and disappointment and, you know, I don't really know how else to describe it.

I knew I had a great. Upbringing. I had everything I wanted. I didn't lack in any way, shape or form growing up. And so that's what I wanted to see in the parents that were, you know, that I wanted to place my baby with. And so I decided I should probably tell the school and being in a private Catholic high school, telling the school was a little different.

Damon: Kristen found an adoption agency. The same one her parents had adopted her from the agency, provided her a counselor who gave her pages and pages of profiles of potential parents for her unborn baby. In her 17 year old brain. Uh, Kristen was hoping for trivial things for her daughter, like hoping she would have a puppy or that she would be an only child. So she would be completely spoiled.

She narrowed her search down to one family, partially because they had been waiting years for a baby to be placed with them. Kristen carried on with high school, getting phenomenal support from her peers, some of whom selected her to be the track team captain.

She said the staff were good to her too, But they had an image to uphold for the school community So they did try to keep her pregnancy quiet.

Some people crazy and very judgmental. But you know, at 17 and being pretty strong, I was just like, okay, well that's their issue, not mine. And the school also stood up for me and said, Nope, sorry. She deserves this just as much as anybody else. Yeah. Yeah. So I did all the things and I graduated high school and yeah, and had my baby shortly after I graduated.

Wow.

Damon: Can you tell me about the time of giving birth to her and placing her. Sure. Sure.

And that was the common phrase that I heard from a lot of people. And you know, that was the hardest phrase. I had an uncle who said, I'll buy you a car, I'll get you an apartment and I'll help you do the things. And that was hard to turn down. So I had a birth coach who. Help me through everything.

And then when I went into the hospital, she was there for me that day. And I gave birth and then I named her Kayla and this kind of goes back to my 17 year old. Age is my favorite show was days of our lives. So I named her Kayla

My dad cry. Was he held there in front of a window and he just stood there, racking her for about 15 minutes and then he handed her back and he walked out of the hospital room. And that was that. So, wow. Yeah. And so when it was time to leave, that was probably one of the hardest parts of my journey was leaving the hospital alone.

You know, everybody else has wheelchairs covered in balloons and plants and outfits. And I had nothing. I, I walked through a dark hallway and out to my parents waiting car and I went home and that was it. It was, it, it was over.

Damon: Wow. So you're at the end of your senior year, you've given birth to a child that is going off into the world, you know, it's summer time. And presumably it should be like this awesome moment of graduating high school and, and, you know, looking forward to what's coming next, but you've relinquished a child and placed her.

It must've been a heavy summer for you.

Kristen: It was a very heavy summer and little things triggered me for instance, guns and roses came out with that song. Sweet child of mine. And it triggered tears and it triggered a lot of lonely moments and it took a lot of self-talk like you're doing the right thing for your child at this point in time of your life, with the knowledge that you have.

I had no idea what was going on in her life. But it, like I said, it took, I took about three years. I bet before I would stop crying at that song or be able to. Hold another baby. I'd had an, I did not want to have anything to do with other children, especially young ones. So it affected me and it impacted a lot of what I did and how I thought.

Damon: May I ask, , as an adoptee who was pregnant and placing your child for adoption, did you reflect on your own adoption in that process?

Kristen: I did all of the time and I also took into consideration my background because The time was different.

The era was different and you know, I've, I've done so much research and mine was not a forced adoption. And I get that question a lot. I made this decision 100%, but I often wondered, like, did she place me? She was only 15 years old. Did she voluntarily do it? You know, did she involuntarily do it?

Was there pressure on how many sides? So every single aspect of my placement, I wondered about hers.

Damon: After she attempted college, Kristen got a job waitressing. She met tons of people in that job, and one of her customers Could see Kristen's potential and told her point blank.

Damon: She got her contractors license and built homes for a few years. Then Kristen transitioned into the corporate world, taking a job at the Mayo clinic, but she found that the rules and structure of corporate life weren't for her. At 28 years old, Kristen went back to college and paid for her education herself.

A full 10 years after placing her daughter for adoption. Kristen was finally getting her life back together. Finding her way forward and trying to reestablish a foundation for her life ahead. Kristen had several reasons why she didn't want to start a search for anyone.

Kristen: I did not initiate the search for either my biological parents nor from my biological daughter. In fact, there's a reason behind that because when I was about two or three, my parents had a couple, a friend couple that had an adopted daughter.

And so my reasoning for not searching for my parents or my daughter was because I did not want to walk into somebody else's life and upset that apple cart. Did I know if she had a perfect life? No. Did I know that my parents may or may not be together? Yep. I recognize that. But I just didn't want to do that to somebody else.

And so I started out, they sent Nana identifying letters, you know, so I first found out about all the physical aspects of my parents. My daughter was wondering about my physical aspects and my upbringing and all that sort of thing. And so it just kind of moved into what was very logical to me. I created email addresses and we communicated via email for a while.

And finally one day I was like, okay, I'm ready. Are they ready to meet? And so we set up meetings for both sides.

Damon: This is maternal and paternal.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm only pausing to keep it straight because you've said that both your parents and your daughter parents right now. Okay. Yeah.

Kristen: We're focused on the parents.

Like me, people would say, you walk, like you talk, like you put your ponytails up. Like you laugh, like all these things. And we would look at each other and be like, oh, okay, well fancy that. And finally, the day for the meeting was set up at Applebee's. Now keep in mind, this is kind of a big deal. People get wind of adoption reunions, and it's a big deal because they want to see the emotion they want to see if it's happy and not so happier, you know, whatever the outcome is.

And so here I walk into applebee's. And there were balloons and there's this girl that I worked with and she was my sister.

Damon: Oh my god are you kidding me?

Where was it that you worked

together instead of a bar where we were waitresses? Oh gosh.

Damon: Could you see it? As people were pointing it out to you and they were like, you know, you walk like that.

Could you see like, you're right. She does.

Kristen: Yeah, we saw it for sure. We saw it. And that I think was my first inkling, like, huh, there's something more in this universe. I don't know what, but there is. And, but like we, we just kind of laughed it off. But before I met her, there was the person who walked me up to me in a department store that said, Hey, you drew my blood yesterday.

I wanted to tell you, you did a really good job. And I'm like, Ooh, I don't draw blood, but thank you. Yeah. Yeah. So there she sat and even better because I was in a private high school, our conferences were set up differently. And so they, and I competed against each other in high school as athletes

Damon: Are you serious,

Kristen: Yeah, very serious.

against? Volleyball. Basketball. And I did track and I believe they did softball, but so yeah, the volleyball and the basketball.

Oh my gosh. So there were days when you were on the field. In competition with your sisters trying to beat 'em

Kristen: not knowing it.

Damon: Your little sisters are there. That is so dag-gone crazy.

Yeah. Yeah. So now we look at pictures now and the one sister and I, that people get confused. We could be identical twins very easily. I'm pretty close.

So bananas. Wow. Have you, have you gone back to look at the win-loss record to see who was the winner between

Kristen: the siblings?

No. I just always tell him it was me. That's

Damon: probably what a big sister should do, you know?

Kristen: Uh, Yeah. So the connection with the two sisters and the birth mom, where the, my first part and they did end up, they were married for 15 years and then they did get divorced

Damon: before you go into their sort of future.

Kristen: Well, I remember sitting in my car for a while because I just, you know, I almost had that sick feeling, that nervous feeling of what am I walking into?

What am I doing? How is this affecting me? And, you know, I'll be honest. I had to go to counseling for a little bit prior to all this, because it was very overwhelming to me. So I finally got out of my car and I'm walking up to Applebee's and I, I opened the door and just every wait staff is just standing there staring.

And then the tears started on their part. And you know, like I said, I had a tough time wanting to go look for everyone. So my emotions did not kick in until I physically like reached their table and, and touched one of them. And then it was like, oh my God, these are my sisters. And this is my mom. We're together for the first time ever.

And it's okay. It's okay. And because I knew the one, the conversation just went from incredulous to like, can you believe this? And, oh my God, we're sisters. And can you imagine growing up together and how much fun do we have working together? And then, you know, my other sister joined into the conversation, it was like, we never were not raised together that connection.

Did I feel like I have a whole nother family out there and I'm part of it. It has been a long time in the making too, because now at the age of 51 this year, I spent the first Christmas with them ever.

Kristen: this past Christmas.

Damon: Wow. What date did this reunion take place at?

Applebee's

Kristen: it was about 19 98, 19 99.

I could see how she would be very nervous. No, no. That you were the one that was relinquished and these are two, your, your two full blood sisters and, and she, and your father stayed together. Tell me a little bit about where the tension lie between you and her finding a closer bond.

Kristen: Yeah, so I think it was a combination because of the seriously strong bond that I had with the sisters.

And the fact that I had an amazing upbringing. And so when I called my mom and dad, mom and dad, that's, that's what they were to me. And so I think the issue laid in me and my expectations or what I thought hers were, because I knew I could not walk into this restaurant and just say, hi mom, I couldn't do that.

That sort of thing never happened. So I did not have to deal with that. And I know a lot of people do, but I did not have to. It just was a harder bond to grow. And it started to grow when she experienced breast cancer. And then I did. And so there were things like that that just made our bond grow stronger.

And of course I love her dearly dearly now, and I cared about every aspect of her life, but that did take quite a few years to

build.

Yeah. That, wow. Oh my gosh.

And then, you know, I would start going to family reunions. Like I would go to reunions with their family. Well, my family and I would see people whispering like, oh, there's that?

And so I would go and let her do that. I did that for them. not so much for me. Cause it was, it was overwhelming, but yup. I'll be there. I'll be your daughter. I'll be good with that. I'm fine with that.

Damon: Kristen recognized that her birth family . Who had another daughter, just one year after her birth wanted to include her. Of course for Kristen, there was something fulfilling from knowing that she was accepted and wanted in reunion. Keep in mind her family found her. She didn't search for them. Kristen admitted. She made it easy to be found, update any agency through which she was adopted with her new address or phone number when either of them changed.

Of course, since she was updating me adoption agency, she was placed through and she used the same agency to place her own daughter. That meant it was easy for Kristen's daughter to find her that same year

And I said, when you're ready, you can call me and we can talk about meeting and that sort of thing. And one summer day I was outside and my cell phone rang and I answered it because I didn't recognize the number. And all I heard were two little words with what I remember in thinking was a very small little girl's voice.

And all she said was, hi mom. And it was quiet. It was silent because she was mine. You know, and as a birth parent, that's a voice you want to hear some days, some sometime I'd hoped I would hear, but to hear those two little words out of that, then she was an adult 18 years old say, hi mom. And it was all over.

So we talked on the phone and a couple of times, and finally she said, you know, do you want to meet? And I said, sure, I'm ready. And so she set it up where she worked. And she was a waitress at a restaurant. And so she set it up and she said, you come here. And I said, okay. And I said, you have brothers and you have sisters or one brother and sister, do you want me to bring them along?

came around the corner and there she stood in blue jeans and a pink sweater. I'll never forget it looking just like me.

And when you see your daughter for the first time ... it hits ya,

hits ya hard. And she just raced right over to me and just put her arms around me and put her head on my shoulder and we just cried. That was the only natural thing. I mean, that was it. It was natural. Just cried. Yeah. And she's called me mom ever since she comes over and she's like in her holiday cards and now the tables have turned for me and people are like, oh, there's the one you had in high school.

So I think there's days when she was happy to leave our family gatherings and I mean, humorous way.

Damon: jeez that's chaos.

Kristen: Yeah. Yeah. But she loves them all and you know, my kids just look at her as their older sister and they know about adoption and you know, and what it means and stuff like that. So, but they just look at her as their older sister.

It's all there is to it. They don't really ask a lot of questions, like why? I've explained it to my older kids cause they do understand my, you know, my decision making process, but Kayla her parents named her Courtney and so, but Courtney was never mad at me. She never said she felt resentment.

Damon: When you say it released, what did you feel after that? How do you mean that? What were you holding back that.

Kristen: I was holding back the fear that she would hate me, that she would never accept my decision and that she would have grown up to be devastated by what I did. And then to have know that she had siblings out there and just say, you know, why did you give me a way so to speak?

Damon: Wow. So interesting too, because you sounded like as a young woman, you had talked herself into, I am making the right decision for me at this moment yet there was still guilt as naturally.

There would be. And for her to come around years later and say you made the right decision for both of us at that time. I mean, that validation is unreal. That's real well. Yeah. Wow. Woo. My gosh, Chris. And I'm over here. I have the lucky good fortune of being able to turn down the microphone. So when I'm wiping my eyes and sniffing over here as if I was at the reunion, you know, oh my gosh.

Kristen: My family.

Damon: And it keeps going. You don't have to, so you don't have to share this if you don't want to. But tell me, if you choose about, you mentioned your daughter placed her own child with your sister.

So there's a kinship. Tell me a little bit about that if you choose.

Kristen: Sure. So, , the hardest part of me placing my daughter in a decision that I made. And it was, I look back now and I think it was wrong. , I chose not to tell my older girls, , that they had a sister and I, I don't know why I chose that, but I did, but I also had a big scrapbook of my days in the hospital with her.

She was no longer the first born. She was no longer my oldest, it hurt. It hurt her really bad. And so she made the decision to start self-medicating and numbing. This hurt and became very much an addict, a drug addict. And so we dealt with that for a couple of years and, and we had to rebuild our relationship and I spent a lot of time reassuring her.

Damon: Yeah, it's complex.

Kristen: it's complex. And so, but at the age of 19 and several trips in, through a treatment facilities, she came out to the addiction end sober.

And when you come out sober, there are a lot of things that you have to work on. And that means working on yourself. But that is also when she discovered she was. And she didn't tell me right away, we do, you know, we had a really open relationship and that sort of thing. And I was helping her rebuild her life, you know, helping her get an apartment and getting a job.

And so I said, you know, and, and I, we had the discussion. I'm glad you told me, what are you going to do with Lindsey? And she said, I'm on the fresh end of recovery. And I know I cannot parent a child. I want to work on myself. I want to be a successful adult. I want to be a contributor to society. I can not raise a child.

And so I said, well, I can help. How about, how about I, you know, raise her. And she looked right at me and she goes, are you kidding me? You have five other kids. No. And at that same time, we found out my adoptive sister and her husband could never have children of their own. And so Lindsay said, I want to place my baby for adoption.

And they absolutely crumbled with, with joy and the opportunity and excitement.

And so they went through the pregnancy together right after Lily was born. They came right up from Kansas and they were there for the three days in the hospital. They all, three of them bonded together. They named her Edith and then they, her middle name is tiger Lily.

So they respected Lindsey's first name of her daughter. And then my favorite story growing up was Peter pan. And my favorite character was tiger Lily. So she is either tiger Lily. And so it's just been a beautiful thing. It was a private adoption but it's been very, very open and that little girl is going to be 12 this year.

She has a three-year-old little boy now. And so him and Edith Edith knows that that's her brother. And it's, it's really been beautiful.

Damon: Kristen's granddaughter is being raised in a kinship adoption. Her sister Lindsay's aunt is Edith's mother. Kristen says their family is working everything out. There's never been any overstepping of boundaries and there's some shared decision-making as well. Kristen sister has been open to Lindsay's opinion on decisions from Enrollment in gymnastics and cooking classes. To just calling lindsay up for opinions.

That's really wonderful because not everybody's able to do that.

And that's really incredible.

Kristen: Right. And I just, I just feel like if people would look at children, as children are not objects, then maybe the mine mentality would go away. But I think that's a long road.

Damon: I think that's right. It's, it's challenging because in most cases like in yours, this was a kinship adoption.

Right. And not everybody falls into that. Some people are really good at it, but some folks aren't wow, whew, Christine. Oh my gosh. My mind is reeling as I think about you and your family, like I said, you have been, you're an adoptee. You have placed a child for adoption. You have been found by your birth parents found by your adult, your biological daughter, and you have your own daughter has placed, but is in a kinship adoption relationship with her aunt.

Kristen: And I have opened my home to two teenagers in the same situation and held their hand while they've, you know, they've chosen to place for adoption. And, you know, I, I had one that lived with me whose parents did not do so well with the news. So I welcomed her into her home, my home and have helped her through the same situation.

And 18 years later they had a reunion as well, so,

Damon: oh, that's really great. This has been unbelievable, Kristen, I'm so grateful to you for coming on to sort of share a little bit about what you've been through, because I don't think a lot of people get to see every element of what's possible in adoption and reunion.

Thank you so much, Kristen.

Kristen: I'm so pleased that you head me on and I'm so proud to be here. And I, and I love sharing my story because I do believe it is beautiful. Even with the ups and downs. It's a beautiful story. I agree. 100%. Have you thought about writing a book?

I have actually I have thought about writing a book.

Damon: Yeah. I'd be happy to chat with you about it. If you are interested in any of input, it's a challenging, it's a challenging endeavor, but I think it's really worth it because not only does it get you to think through all of your emotions and sort of reconcile things, but the act. Jotting it down, writing it out and putting it into sort of a cohesive storyline for other people can be so valuable for your own healing as well as for the, that of others.

Kristen: Thank you so much.

Yeah. Bye-bye

Outro

Damon: Hey, it's me. Kristen has lived so many elements of the adoption experience. She's an adoptee who grew up in a wonderful family. And she was a young mother who placed her daughter for adoption. Kristen is in reunion with her birth parents who found her. And she's in reunion with her own daughter, Courtney who located Kristen that same year.

Finally Kristen's next oldest daughter placed her own child in a kinship adoption, keeping her daughter Edith in the family.

And of course how surreal to have competed against her. Sister's athletically been mistaken for her blood sister around town and to walk into that reunion to see her coworker was one of her full blood siblings.

I was sad to hear that Kristen and her mother's bond came after both had battled with breast cancer, but it's a good. But it's good to hear. They did eventually make a deeper connection.

Kristen story is so full of incredible mini stories. It's hard to believe, but it's her life and I'm glad she took time to share her journey with us.

I'm Damon Davis. And to hope you found something in Kristen's journey that inspires you. Validates your feelings about wanting to search or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn who am I really.