256 – I’m Not The Finished Package

256 – I’m Not The Finished Package

Ryan: No, no questions. So I'm, uh, I'm an open book team and

Damon: ask. Oh, I love to hear that. That's great. Really good.

Ryan: Okay. Maybe it's a stronger response. I just, uh, speak. I just overexplain.

Damon: Yeah. Well there's nothing wrong with that, right?

This is kind of what we do. Try to the areas where we're most comfortable and express ourselves as best as possible. Lemme ask you real quick. I'm getting a little bit of feedback. I can hear my own voice.

Ryan: Okay.

Damon: Do you have your thing turned like all the way up perhaps? Yeah, I can turn it down. Down, yeah.

Let me see if I hear. I still hear my voice a little bit. It also could be your internet connection. I'm not sure.

Ryan: Yeah. What? No, they just broke unfortunately. Sorry. Oh

Damon: really? No other ones, wired ones or anything like that? No, I don't. Sorry. Okay. Don't sweat it. It's fine.

It's fine. Don't sweat it. Um, so no questions. You're good to go? Um, yeah. Ask away. Excellent. Very good. Well, this

Ryan: is my 14th.

Damon: Is that right? Really cool. Good for you, man, for being out there. Are these podcasts all over Europe or are they in the US too? What's the deal?

Ryan: Um, about 80% in, uh, us.

Damon: Mm-hmm.

Ryan: Not many in the uk.

Damon: Okay. Very good. Well,

Ryan: I, yeah, I'm just, I can't remember quite a unique story, but you know, you said speaking about what you're comfortable in, I'm quite uncomfortable doing. Podcast, but I just chuck myself in the deep end.

Damon: Really? Why is it that you're uncomfortable doing it? Just because,

I wanna say every sentence spot on. I want a hit a nerve. I want everyone glued to the speed. Yeah. I want my mind to be operating a hundred percent to, uh, to answer every question that you fired at me. When. Perfection.

Damon: I understand 100%. There's nothing wrong with that. But you don't worry about that at all, man.

Everybody's here to accept you exactly as you come. So don't stress it at all. All right.

Ryan: Um, yeah, I kinda just got a bit hard on myself, self-critical, but, um, I have had good, uh, feedback from people, which is nice.

Damon: That's great. Good to hear. Well then, without further ado, do me a favor and just tell me about what your life was like.

Grow. Tell me about where you grew up, first of all, where, what was your, where did you grow up and what was your life like in your family?

Um. Rock and tan man, English white woman. Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: Um, yeah, I just grew up in, uh, Edinburgh.

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: Uh, just kinda quiet child, well behaved. Yeah. Sometimes. Uh,

Damon: what kinds of stuff were you into? Are you a, are you a footballer? You a rugby guy, you cricket? What's your thing?

Ryan: Soccer over here? Yeah. So football, loves football.

We love just walking about sheets. I was good as, uh. Good at school and yeah, just active. Mm-hmm. And just quiet in my younger years and that's what changed.

Where, where where'd you grow up? In the, in the Edinburgh area. Um, an area called the Edge. Um, the edge.

Ryan: The Edge, yeah. Really. Just a close community. Um, just like anything, there was trouble there. Um, but I, I look back and with fond memories growing up, um, yeah. But you had to kinda, yeah. You were, it wasn't like the worst place, but it wasn't the best place either.

Damon: Mm-hmm. Understood. And what was your relationship like with your mom and then with your dad?

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: Growing up, I think I mentioned I was always grew up with embarrassment.

Embarrassment about. Being rocking, embarrassment about color of the skin, a balance management about religion, embarrassment about how much money we had, embarrassment, even something about more mum's, uh, English accent.

Um,

Ryan: just anything that attracted bullying.

Damon: Yeah, anything that attracted bullying, it sounds like.

Anything that made you feel like you were standing out right color of your skin, your religion, your socioeconomic status, the way your mom talked. I mean, it sounds like any single thing, if you could be made fun of about it, was something that you were really sensitive about. Is that roughly correct? Spa?

Ryan: we call it slagging. It's like taking the mic so that we didn't want to get. It was already an embarrassment. Mm-hmm. Was, it was tough growing up, being, getting slacked, so. Mm-hmm. I, I just didn't want any more of that.

Damon: Yeah. I can understand.

Ryan: Especially as a child. Yeah. It really affects you.

Damon: It really does.

It's true. You said you were a mama's boy, but not necessarily fond of your dad. I think you said you were embarrassed of him. Tell me why.

Ryan: Just the. Just the reason, as I mentioned his religion, um, is we addressed his job, um, just his characteristics.

Mm-hmm. Um,

Ryan: and obviously I didn't felt much affection from him younger, so, um, I kinda pushed that, pushed that away.

You said your proper father son connection. Also about the religion as well. I didn't want to be Muslim, uh, growing up.

Damon: I see. So as a Moroccan, you were Muslim in Edinburgh where the predominant religion is, what?

Ryan: I think it's Christian. Yeah.

Damon: Is it Catholic? Is that accurate? I think so. Accurate, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So yeah, you stood out in a great many ways. I could see that. And it doesn't sound like you were. Moroccan in a Moroccan community either, is that correct, you? No, I had, I

Ryan: had my, my name was my, uh, my name was Rashid Abo Marini, so I was embarrassed. I was born in Morocco. I was embarrassed in my Arabic name.

I was embarrassed that, um, Muslim color of the skin, um, yeah, just didn't add. Yeah. Obviously the color of the skin, I want it to be white as well.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: I wish, I wish a barr of the Arabic la a barr of Arabic language.

Now I wish I knew it all. Yeah. Not too late to learn.

It's really tough to stand in the hot wind of someone making fun of you about yourself and feel pride about it. Even if your parents say that should, that should be a source of pride of you. It's just a thing that people. Really struggle with, it's hard to do. So I, part of my,

Ryan: part of my mom, I was embarrassed of my mom, uh, as much of her caring side come.

Damon: And

Ryan: yeah, so I do, I do. I remember that the types, and looking back, I was very grateful for what my mom done for me.

Damon: Did you feel with your dad? You said even how he dressed.

Did he dress? Sort of traditional? Muslim, Moroccan. And that was a standout for him?

Ryan: A a little bit. I also dressed like, uh, he had no money, which I think he did. I was very annoying. That's a typical Moroccan. Um. Or quite Moroccans, I believe are known as Hagglers. Uh, just been to Morocco there, and they're literally, they'll tell you a price.

Damon: That's interesting. You, you said you never knew what it was, but you knew there was something different. What did you think that was going on? What, like what did you feel it could even be?

Ryan: Um, that I didn't know. My brain, my brain didn't have the, the knowledge or intelligence to try and work it out. Um,

Damon: yeah.

When you don't have the language for something, it's impossible to figure out what is this thing that I'm feeling? Right. It's crazy.

So I used to lie and say that I was born in Scotland.

Damon: Oh, really?

Ryan: Yeah. And uh, that was, that was just one of the, the shame factor growing up, just of anything.

Damon: Yeah. Interesting. So your parents had two biological children from their union. Yes. But you looked different from those kids? Yes. Mm-hmm. And so tell me about this time you said that you were, well, let me ask you this.

How did you get along with your siblings? Fine.

Damon: That's amazing. So

Ryan: those are part, the five of us have never been in a room together, which shows you, um.

That the family's very, what's the word for it? Just all over the place. Not close.

Damon: You said the five of you have never been in a room together? Yes. Really? Yes. Even to this day. To this day,

Like my brother and sister

Ryan: in their fifties just turned or brother 49. 30. 50? Yeah.

Damon: I'm 34. Gotcha. So there's a 16 year. Age difference between you? Yes. Ah, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. That makes sense. So they are significantly older than you're got it living in different cities, Uhhuh, right? Yeah. That now it makes sense.

Okay, interesting. So if I recall correctly from your story, there was a time when you were a teenager that you discovered you were adopted. Is that right?

And uh, there was a, there was only a period, like a week or two where we were, we were distant and, um, but yeah. Since that day that created trust issues.

Damon: Um, so just to recap, you were out of the house, you were old enough to be living in the, in England, but you missed Edinburgh, so you came back to party.

Yeah, I was, didn't hang out for two years.

Ryan: Yeah. I got family in England, so we moved to England, but I was always thinking in my head, I'm moving back to Scotland. Mm-hmm. So I was move, I was in Scotland at the time, came back down and got told that news and that really upset me. So I just packed the bag and left.

Damon: really. And how, what age were you at this time? 18. Wow.

Ryan: And so, but then that's, so then all that embarrassment.

As a kid, this was the biggest weapon someone could use against me.

Damon: Oh, so, so if they had known you were also adopted, that would've been yet another thing to have B bullied you on.

Ryan: So that's why I kept it a secret. I was so ashamed.

Damon: Mm-hmm.

Ryan: And then the adopt the adoption stuff of anytime when anyone was ever nasty to me.

'cause I was adopted. So obviously they thought that the whole adopt family knew I was adopted except my cousins. Um, and you just, you just look around and, uh, things are like black and white. Um, and

Ryan: Yeah, you feel silly. So, uh, that's called an LDA late discovery adoptee.

That's right. So with it being a, being an adoptee, I've got, um, different types of layers for transracial because my mom's a different race, transnational. Different country, Morocco to Scotland, LDA late discovery adopter, you find out late. These are all different layers to just be even being adopted. Yeah.

Which is, can have its challenges.

Damon: Yeah. You're absolutely right. I'm glad you highlighted the multiple layers of complexity that you live with. 'cause this is one of the things I talk about when I'm, I'm writing and I've. Begun to highlight this very thing that an adoptee can fall into multiple buckets at the same time, right?

Ryan: layers, but that goes back to the start of my story. But for me, the main layer was keeping that a secret for 13 years.

Damon: So since you were 18, you didn't tell anybody?

Damon: do you think you felt worse?

Ryan: Because that's how I felt. I've just felt like that secret was out and I just wanted, I didn't wanna be here. What I am so disappointed in myself for slipping up.

But I slipped up for a reason because it was, it was killing me inside.

Damon: Yep. That's exactly what I was thinking.

Mm-hmm. So I

Ryan: don't, I dunno if I did really cope, but I was, it was much more manageable I think. Then I was

Damon: Did you cope through

Ryan: young? There was more distractions.

Damon: Yeah. You're out surviving, right? You're trying to maintain your job, maintain your flat, have a social life. All of these things that are, that keep a young person really busy.

Ryan: The social life was the main part. Partying, alcohol and drugs.

Damon: So you were running from it and masking it with substance abuse.

Experience, uh, nightlife. Yeah. Or on holidays. Um, yeah, I was, I was, uh, I was trying to live my life where with no care of myself, not caring about myself.

Damon: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Really fascinating. But it sounds though like you can sort of admit you were running a little bit. Is that roughly correct?

Ryan: Yeah, of course. Of course.

Yeah. Every holiday, every event, every festival. I needed something to do to look forward to.

Because then,

Ryan: and I would just distance myself from my adopted family and then my friends turned my family.

Damon: So let me ask you about that relationship with your family then. You've been, you were 18, you get this unexpected letter that reveals you're an adoptee.

What did you do? Did you ever reach back to your, your mom? They, they

Ryan: always, they reached out, they were always supportive and I can like, pushed them away, but they would, didn't go, so they were always reached out, which was nice. Um, part of, go back to the start of my, I'm also a foundling, so I was meaning found in the street.

Damon: You were a foundling found in the street.

Ryan: That's another layer.

Damon: Oh my

Um, I would to get invited to people's houses for Christmas and birthdays. And if I ever got went to see my adopt family, I would just feel awkward. But, um, yeah, there was, there was times when I needed them 'cause I got myself in a bad, a few bad situations, but, um, they were always there and they always cared, which was nice.

Damon: That is great.

Ryan: Uh, the problem was a mad brain, not theirs. Um, and yeah, I was just very stubborn. And just couldn't, couldn't get around for it. Didn't, and, and I didn't get any help either. I didn't ask for any help. Meaning from any professionals.

You only revealed it to somebody when you got drunk. And, and so you kept it a secret for a long time, so Yeah. It doesn't sound like there was any professional support at all.

Ryan: Yeah. Um, well do, do you know the professional support that's out there? Usually it's offered to kids or teenagers. Mm-hmm. Young adults.

Yeah. But not to older adults. Yeah. So when I reached out for help at, at lockdown age 31, 3, 2. There was nothing much there for you because they're only the only one that cater to the youngers.

Damon: You said you reached out during lockdown, is that what you said? Yes. Really. What was it about lockdown that made that the right time for you?

You're talking about the Covid pandemic and everybody being by themselves or sort of sequestered in their houses.

And I did forget about it because I was doing amazing stuff, but then I turned a throw seeker. And so then what happened when. Covid Stu happened. We couldn't fly anymore, so that means I couldn't escape. Oh. And then that gave me the reason to stop alcohol and drugs for one year.

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: And then that gave me the, the strength to go and tell my, tell my friends that was adopted, tell my family.

Damon: Yeah. So tell me, let's, let's go back for a moment. I wanna hear a little bit about your first entry into, we'll just call it therapy, for all of the things that you did to start to heal.

How was it for you to start to confront what your reality was with Open? I just remember,

But yeah, the first, the first, the first time was a huge deal, just like speaking to the first ever adoptee. Just like going to the first ever adoptee group, just then speaking in the, the adoptee groups, uh, getting lots of support and just see it, realizing there's a whole adoptee community out there. Yeah.

And I can put myself in as an advocate at what I do my best.

Damon: Yeah. That's amazing. I'm really glad to hear that. As you're speaking though, I realize I didn't, I neglected to ask about your father. So your mother has written you the letter to reveal you are adopted. You said you pushed your whole family away, but did your father reach out to you at all?

Yeah, he was there.

Ryan: Um,

Ryan: um, we were civil. The uh, yeah. He was there. If he was there, if needed me. We didn't like each other, but we loved each other. But he wasn't, he was just like, he, he was not very emotional and he just said he, he used the, like the be grateful card and stuff like that. And, um, it just, he was, yeah, not very, we kept a distance.

But we just keep in touch if we needed.

Damon: Yeah. But basically it sounds like what he was telling you is you should just be thankful for the life you did get.

Ryan: Yeah. Uh, the, the meaning that I would be running in the street if I would be a kid running the streets in Morocco. Uh, lots of Moroccan even say that to this day.

Yeah.

Ryan: Um, but everything's speculation. So you don't know if I would've been better, had a better life in Morocco. The best life.

Damon: Yeah. This is the overestimation that a lot of people see from their point of view. Right. They will tell you that, but they probably don't have the privilege of hearing some of the things that you've just shared with me that you were ashamed of your dad, you were ashamed of your religion.

You hold the same religion like you were. A homogenous part of the entire community and we're not a standout. And so while the opportunities may not have been as great as they could be in the uk, the opposite is that you would've been absolutely at home with people that look like you, et cetera. Exactly.

Ryan: I would've had my own family. My culture in my community. So obviously I took the culture away from me, even though I tried to encourage me to, to be in the, uh, Arabic culture, Muslim culture as Islam culture. I just, I, I went in the opposite direction.

Yeah,

If you get, um, jealousy and stuff, and anytime someone upset me, the, the back of my head would be that I'm adopted and that problem would magnify every now and again. And, um, I'd always wanted to stop alcohol and drugs, uh, even just for a, a break. Um, and. I'm very glad that I've done that during lockdown.

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: Um, to give myself a clear head to create a, a video to try and to help me and others, which, uh, is probably one of my biggest achievements to the day.

Ryan: It was just that pyramid effect, the opposite way where my hangovers were lasting one day to sometimes five days. Um, this is sitting in bed thinking, getting suicidal thoughts. Mm-hmm. Um, the party in life, if you get the balance wrong, uh, can have a negative effect on you. Yeah. Which it was for me. Yeah.

Sometimes it'd be annoying.

Damon: Yeah, I can imagine.

Ryan: Heads in or, uh, say something inappropriate or having to apologize in the morning. Luckily I got away with it because people knew I was a nice guy.

Damon: Yeah, right. You, you get forgiveness. My choice

Ryan: man.

Get intoxicated or take drugs. And, um, and also, uh, the harm it had on people, so looking around me, friends, going to jail, friends dying

mm-hmm.

Ryan: Addictions. Um, it's, it was, uh, and then obviously people changing.

How do you mean? And

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: Uh, I, that's the type of people that existed that I knew that were good kind people, and then I've seen evil people. Mm-hmm. And most of us want to be around the good people in our life.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Ryan: And it was, it was, yeah, that was, it was just a cocktail. All, all of, all that. And I just felt that any wrong that I've done in life, 'cause none of us are perfect.

Right. I

Ryan: wanted to start to do as much right as possible.

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: Much good. So that's what, that's so then obviously me having a few being unconscious from drugs once that's

really,

Damon: yeah.

You wanna break free from that? Yeah. Wow. So let me ask then, you've become estranged from your family. You've gone through some healing in terms of all of the multiple lever levels of being an adoptee. Do you, how do you think about your birth family? What kinds of thoughts do you have and do you try to go back to Morocco to search at all?

What? What do you do? As the conversation, I'm just back yesterday,

Um, not many people are willing to put theirself out there like I have. Um, I have no information. Uh, the nurse people are trying to remember stuff from 38, 34 years ago. The nurse that, um, said that I was found on the street, she's now dead five, six years ago, um, in Morocco, like they. She would've maybe known something, she would've maybe seen the mum.

Yep. Who knows in Morocco is a culture thing. Um, if had sex before marriage or if you cheated or if you are young or if you're in poverty, you just have the baby and leave,

um,

Um, but yeah, if you think, I don't know it, there's also, I've done the DNA test as well and there's no high matches, but how many people in Morocco can afford the DNA tests?

Damon: I was just getting ready to ask if Morocco had its own DNA database. You have to do a database in some other country, right? Yes. Did you do ancestry?

I've done them all. I've

Ryan: done about six or seven.

Damon: Yeah. Have you really? Wow.

Ryan: Yeah.

Damon: Hmm.

Ryan: So I've, I've knocked on every door people as much as helpful as they are. They say, how about this? How about that? Done that, done that. Spoke to the embassy, spoke to the hospital, spoke to the courts, spoke to the registry office, walked the streets.

Damon: Mm, I want

Ryan: anything.

Damon: Mm-hmm. Any distant relative will do. Right. As a

Ryan: positive, I have met fourth, third, and fourth cousins. Okay. And they treated like me, like family. Oh really? Plus most of the other Moroccans are treated, uh, when I go to Morocco treating me like family, which is nice.

Damon: That is amazing.

Ryan: Um, but still in search of, um.

I've been to the TV studios. Yeah. So my, the only way I, the, my ideas of trying to find family is turn up to the TV studios and ask them to take my story, speak about it. So my, the way I look at it, I do podcasts and try and do as much as they can for mental health. And my superpower can be vulnerability.

So that's me. Make myself useful to, to my, to my debt, to the world.

Damon: Yeah. That's really great that you have opened up to this level of vulnerability for other people because there's a lot of challenge in your story and journey, and I can't help wondering about this lack of true identity for you.

Ryan: I asked that question. I'm waiting a reply. Um, 'cause I just wondered why. So I was born with no name, so my adopted parents gave me my name. Um, and I wondered why the 19th is on Monday 19th.

February's on my birthday. I don't know. Um, but obviously my story's very sad, but I'm actually a hap a funny, well, not funny. Well, I think I'm a bit funny. I'm a happy go lucky guy.

Yeah. My

Ryan: good days whenever anyone sees me. I'm smiling. I'm always joking. I'm immature. Um, I. It's not, it's not been all bad.

And, uh, if, even if I don't find my family. I'm not, I'm either not gonna give up or, uh, I wanna try and be an inspiration.

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: But it, it is important to highlight the difficulties as adoptees face because society always thinks, oh, adoption's good. Um, and you've been saved and you should be grateful, which I am at parks, but I look at it on both sides.

Uh, 'cause there's some, I've heard some stories of horrible adoptions.

Damon: Absolutely.

Ryan: And, um,

Damon: absolutely

Damon: really is. And it, yeah,

Ryan: were brought into the world from tragedy, so.

It's, if I ever hear of anyone who's adopted, I instantly feel like I've got their back.

Damon: Yeah, absolutely. There's a, there's definitely a kinship among adoptees, right? We feel this relationship to each other almost, you know, like sort of brotherly sisterly from a distance, right? You are somebody that can understand.

How my life began. There's the stories, the origin, origin story may be different, but ultimately we all can understand this adoption piece and it's something that nobody else in society, very few other people in society can, can relate to. And, and I loved what you said too about just being a positive person in general.

Ryan: I stop you there. I not all the time. There's days when I give up. Really days when I'm so stubborn, I don't reach out. There's days when I'm thinking suicidal thoughts really? So I'm not the finished package. I'm nowhere near it. Mm-hmm.

I've had

Ryan: therapy and some therapist says, Ryan, you're too much. I can't handle you.

Um. And it's pushed you, you to the edge in a lot of ways. Huh? Trying to be incredible. Yeah. When sometimes it's, it's okay to not be, to just be still and relaxed. That's a great point. And I'm not, I'm not that. 'cause some people say it's traveling's the best, but sometimes I work, family life's the best.

And yeah,

Ryan: being content with watching around everyone's different.

But, um. Yeah, I wanna, at the moment I'm a dopamine chaser, um

mm-hmm.

Ryan: And I don't know if that's healthy.

Yeah. Yeah.

Damon: ways.

Ryan: In your thirties, you're still young. Part of me, what's playing on my mind is I've never had a partner and, um, never letting people get close to me and, and getting to that age when I'm gonna start a family, but I've made a pack that I've, uh, would never want.

I don't want have kids and let until I get my head sorted and will I ever get my head sorted. Um, and is Kevin Kids the answer? All these questions, and I'm having this debate in my thirties where time's running out, um, sometimes I can ignore it and then times that can play on your mind.

Yeah.

Does it?

Damon: It really doesn't. And that was actually part of what I was gonna say is. Your relationship status, your parenting status doesn't define the score on your life, right? You don't get 10 extra points 'cause you have a kid and then another 20. 'cause you're in a relationship, you get credit for being a good person regardless of all of these other pieces of your life, right?

So as long as you're sort of your life in the clean ways. That you are a person that people wanna be around, right? You're, you are nice and kind and generous and thoughtful, and all of the things that make someone special to other people. It really doesn't matter if you are in or out of a relationship, if you are a father or not.

Yeah. I get quite

Ryan: upset or quite annoyed and quite sad that, as I say, light out, no, I'm like, uh, nobody's perfect. So when I make mistakes and when I'm not positive, or if I've upset someone or if someone doesn't wanna be friends with me, that. Being adopted is the abandonment again. Yeah. Um, I've got thousands of friends, uh, loads and loads of friends, lots, uh, and well, in fact I'm calling people friends.

That's no. Something a friend wouldn't do, and I'm actually numb to it. The amount of disappointment I've had from people

really, but,

Ryan: but it's also, I've done it to others as well, just raising your voice or upsetting them or an argument and. I feel like I should know better with mm-hmm. Being educated, being on this journey, educated and, and also, you know, when I, I have a low point, I feel like I should know better to beat this low point, but I can't.

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: I, I, I have, I have more tools. There's some days where I just give up and then

mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Ryan: Uh, I'm just, and it takes me a few days. I'm even like that, like if I spend a tenor or I've lost 10 pounds and like if I've lost money, I kick myself and went, ah,

yeah, I going

Ryan: for an hour. It's the same feeling about depression, obviously much worse. But yeah, and also you, I walk around and I think nobody knows how I was feeling an hour ago.

But

Damon: we all do. We all do. But I think. Like I said, one of the great things, Ryan, is that you are out telling your story to try to help others, and I would encourage you to accept the help from other people to lift you up the same way you're trying to lift up others to say, listen, this is my story, but this is not the end.

I would just encourage you to absorb the stories of others and make sure that you are accepting yourself for what has happened, but don't let it define you as who you are as best as possible. It's tough. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm just trying to encourage you that, you know, there's a lot of richness to life that you can build on, and it doesn't have to all be related to adoption, but it is a significant part of your story, especially because you're an LDA from 18 years old that.

Damon: There you go.

Ryan: I can literally tell a person in the street my story.

Damon: Mm-hmm.

Ryan: And it's nice. Sometimes I've inspired others.

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: And I want to keep on inspired and, um, just even regarding mental health.

Damon: Mm-hmm.

Ryan: A big part with men, isn't it?

Damon: Yeah, absolutely. For men especially, right. I've often said that, and I'm not being, so I think we all can agree. Women tend to be more emotional than men. Men tend to be very logical and therefore we're not as communicative and we hold our emotion, emotions, backs, and, but we still experience the same kinds of things.

Yeah.

Ryan: I remember me doing a video, me being sober. Me doing a hell walk to doing a cliff jump. I watched someone else do it, so that's why I wanted to do it. So the point is, if someone, if you do it, someone else might want to do it.

Yeah,

Ryan: and this is the point where I went a year off alcohol and drugs and then I went back on them for 18 months and I used the word balance and I was like, I've done my year, now I can get back on it.

Mm-hmm.

Ryan: And I felt like I was, I felt like a fraud. So that ING's why I've recently done another year off it. Mm-hmm. And I had a thought to myself to say, I might never go back to it. Yeah. And, and in honor of anyone who's had issues, still got issues and thinking about making that pact to myself because there's a lot of people who have lost someone due to alcohol or drugs.

Yeah. So,

Damon: stuff.

I think you're right. I think you're right. I mean, you know, we've, you know, as well as anybody, these things were depressants. I. You know, they'll tear apart your body. They do far more harm than good a, and so it's probably better for you to spend, invest the time in strengthening yourself than investing lost energy in consumption, right?

One, building yourself up the other, tearing yourself down. I did have a great

Ryan: time and I had great memories, and not many people would say this. My life's not really changed. I've, I still go to the clubs. I go to the clubs and I drink coffee and people laugh at me. Uh, and I've done, I went to the island. I beat her twice.

Now, sober, I do say I've had half as much of a good time, but I'm only having, I'm 10 times better in the morning. So that's, there you go. That's my, that's my balance.

Damon: That's great.

Ryan: But I, I don't want to beat myself up and say I'll never do them. 'cause I might, because I have had some great experiences, but, um, I don't, I don't want to feel like that horrible feeling that I've let myself down if I did do it.

You're right. There is more bad than good.

Damon: Yeah.

Ryan: But

Damon: yeah, use the time to build yourself up.

Ryan: Yeah. Wow. I do my best to do my best.

Damon: That's good to hear, Ryan. Well, thank you so much for being here with me, man. I really appreciate it. I wish you truly the best of luck. This search in Morocco down really touched.

Ryan: I was in, I was in Morocco, and um, I done that poster and that then went viral and a lot of people have messages and said, they're my mom. So I'm filtering through these messages and, uh, see what happens. Uh, obviously DNA takes, I've done a DNA test with a woman, so that take four weeks.

Damon: Yeah. That's what I was gonna say is I would highly encourage anyone who thinks they're your mom to do any DNA test because even if they're not your mom, their child might be looking for them.

Exactly. So that's my, that was

I've got constant WhatsApps and different languages. Wow. And beware for people to not be, you know, get overwhelmed. Um, I, I need a pa.

Damon: Yeah. But I'm sure

Ryan: I can, I'm sure if I asked, I can get one.

Damon: Yeah, you probably could. You probably could. Well, Ryan, I'm really

Ryan: happy I went to Morocco and uh, I'll continue to keep visiting.

Um, but you do, you do feel like you got a mixed identity, like in Scotland, I feel Moroccan, Moroccan, and then Morocco, I feel Scottish.

Damon: Yeah.

Ryan: Um, but I, I embrace it.

Damon: Yeah, that's really great.

I love that. And there's also another

Ryan: quote is like, you wanna live life for those around you. Live life for those no longer here and live life for yourself.

Damon: Mm-hmm. That's really great. That's

Ryan: what I try to tell myself.

Damon: That's great, Ryan. I love it man. Thanks so much for being here with me. I appreciate

the Ryan. You later man. Bye.